Deep Rest

  Am I wrong in everything? Is everything I feel wrong, an overreaction and overdramatic? But our relationship was full of lies for 4 whole years. Am I wrong to not have any respect for him? Am I wrong to feel hurt and back stabbed? Is my reality and the way I see things unfair? If it is, then I don't want to live this life. I don't want a life with such false conclusions and such a wrong viewpoint on reality. Am I really so selfish? So mean? I feel like these words she said behind my back will echo in my head and will be engraved in my heart till the day I die. They might as well write them on my tombstone, because it is probably the truth. I am probably the worst, maddest person on earth and I hurt everyone around me with the stupid way I see things. When will I let go of this life already? The sooner the better. Then I won't have to face all these confrontations with people I feel, wrongly according to them and they may be right, that have stabbed me in the back. Am I re...

  What is this "love" everyone keeps talking about and everyone keeps chasing? Firstly, if it indeed is such a big deal, I don't think I deserve it. Secondly, to be honest, I don't think I want it either. Why would I want to feel so happy, so secure, so understood and then all of a sudden so alone? Love always comes with an expiration date. It is up to you if you will keep the person you once loved close or not, when the feeling finaly ends. I've also heard that "love is a choice". If that's the case I believe it is a very hard choice too. I'd rather make my life less complicated and easier by loving no one and, consequently, being loved by no one. Loving may be great, but the dissapointment in the end is even greater. That is what I'm so desperatly afraid of afterall. I don't think I can endure being let down.

I will never be loved by someone who chooses to do so. I guess my family loves me, but that's just because they have to, or maybe because they have invested so much of their time and money to raise me, so they can't do otherwise. My brothers and sisters love me, but that is because God tells them to do so, not because they choose to. I wonder what it's like for someone to love you because they like you most, of all the people they know. That must feel good. In time, I really have to put down all the fantasies that someone will ever choose to love me, ever. Or that I could ever be someone's favourite or most important person. I genuinely do not believe that will ever happen and that hurts. I'm always going to be alone and I have to get in terms with that. I'm not pretty enough for anyone and I'm fat. I'm never going to be a priority and I have to get used to that. It's never going to get better.

I wish someone understood what I mean when I say "I'm tired". "I'm tired" means I want to give up, and the only way one can do that is by dieing. "I'm tired" means I cannot and do not want to keep on living this life. "I'm tired" means I'm thinking of suicide again. "I'm tired" means I can't carry on and I feel like this is where I am just meant to stop. "I'm tired " means I can't stand gravity pulling me down anymore. When I say "I'm tired" I am really just informing you I'm wishing I could just stop existing again. But of course how can you say these words out loud? So I just hide them behind an "I'm tired" and I hope someone understands. No one ever does, but of course how could anyone do? All of this is pathetic. No one must know.

I am afraid of the tricks my mind plays. Especially in the dark, especially when I'm alone. Why do I feel so empty? So unmotivated to do anything. As if I have to drag my body to do the simplest tasks. Is this normal? What if everyone feels this way and I'm just the only one who is complaining?  What if I'm exaggerating? And what if I feel this way forever? How can I be so disgusting and lazy?

It really makes you question your relationship with other people... how dark thoughts can go through your mind nonstop for hours and days and even weeks and no one will ever know a thing. They can look you in the eyes, have a usual conversation and ask you how you are doing, but they will never know a thing about how you would give anything just to gain the courage to die, simply because you will never let them. Why would I tell anyone all these thoughts? I do not want nor deserve anybody's help or attention. I do not want anyone to know and it impresses me how no one ever will, afterall. Everything is questionable, you can be sure of nothing, you can count on no one.

I feel as if the pills make me see the world in a haze. As if they put a veil over reality, giving me a fake sense of it being somewhat bearable at times. They prevent me from seeing clearly what a horrible world I live in, putting chains on my real thoughts not allowing them to show me what I really want to do. They deceive me into thinking I want to make progress, when what I truly want to do is stop existing at all. Only when I forget to take them or when I run out of the drugs, and being the weekend, the drug stores are closed, like this time, well, only then do I start seeing that they make me a different, fake person with different, fake thoughts and hopes. I am not me under their influece. If I were, then maybe I would have gained the courage till now to finally set me free once and for all from this unbearable life I otherwise have to live.

  My life is passing by and I'm stuck in all this mess. I'll never be 17 again, or 18 or 20. Haven't I wasted enough time? I have to make a decision already. Is any of my efforts to get better having any results or should I do everyone a favor and end this torture once and for all? It won't be that bad for my family as the time passes... I often think of a boy who I heard commited suicide around the time I was at my worst three years ago. Of course, me being a coward and stupid, I didn't even have a plan to start with on how to do such a thing. Isn't that boy at peace now? Isn't he doing so much better? What could he possibly be missing out on that would have been worth existing still?

  What am I supposed to do now? Is my whole life going to be this way? Is a life like this worth living at all? Oh if only I had the courage to quit. If only I wasn't such a coward. I've always had a strange feeling like no matter what I do, I am bound to end my life myself one day. How am I supposed to live when I don't have the energy or the will to do so? It is impossible to go through the days like this. How am I going to make it through? I just need some rest. As if I haven't had enough rest already. How ridiculous. Is this me? I never would have though I would end up like this. Is there something on the other end worth living for, though? From my observations, it doesn't seem like it. What could there be, objectively speaking, in my life that would be worth going through all this trouble? I'm not worth any good that may come. How stupid of someone to even think they love me. I am terrible. I've let everybody down. I have fooled everyone ar...

  Life feels like an uncomfortable necessity before sleep. Sleep, on the other hand... feels like an escape. Nothing better that taking a nap and not having to do, think or worry about anything. Like a perfect excuse from living. Oh how I loved it when before surgery they put me on anesthetics. I really fear I could become addicted to them if I had free access. How wonderful to not even feel the time pass.

"The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality".   I may seem to be doing good, but... vital? That is still such a foreign concept. How sad it makes me to realise that all this effort, all these years... not once do I remember feeling vital. I find if so hard to be inerested in anything. All I do is nothing more than what I'm required and have to do, like school, only because I'm afraid of failure. Am I really getting better? I sure hope so, but god knows I do not believe I am. It feels more as if I'm being distracted from my bitter sorrow. "Bitter sorrow about what?", you say? I wish I knew. Is it just my pessimism making me think this way? How can I tell? Does it even matter though? Is it worth trying to convince me otherwise when my brain is sure its wαy of thinking is absolutely not wrong? I tend to overthink, and all these unanswered questions entertain my thoughts at night till my eyelids are too heavy to lift anymore. I k...