On medication

I feel as if the pills make me see the world in a haze. As if they put a veil over reality, giving me a fake sense of it being somewhat bearable at times. They prevent me from seeing clearly what a horrible world I live in, putting chains on my real thoughts not allowing them to show me what I really want to do. They deceive me into thinking I want to make progress, when what I truly want to do is stop existing at all. Only when I forget to take them or when I run out of the drugs, and being the weekend, the drug stores are closed, like this time, well, only then do I start seeing that they make me a different, fake person with different, fake thoughts and hopes. I am not me under their influece. If I were, then maybe I would have gained the courage till now to finally set me free once and for all from this unbearable life I otherwise have to live.

Comments

  1. Anonymous20/8/23 05:04

    I found that I had to try a few meds before we figured out what worked best for my depression and anxiety. And being diagnosed with ADHD and getting meds for that also helped. Sure I feel different on my meds (Wellbutrin xl, concerta, Zoloft) but I like myself better and can enjoy and connect with things instead of barely holding on to existing just to avoid hurting anyone with my death.

    I didn't think I'd live to the end of the week through my early teens, and then the meds I did get at 16 only took the edge off of things a bit so I was less constantly overwhelmed and had fewer panic attacks.

    I was on it for almost 5 years before trying something else which was an improvement but not enough, then tried what I have now and I can finally actually have more time spent feeling ok than not and can feel excitement and happiness about things again

    I used to fear feeling happy or excited because it would hurt all the more when it faded and I was back to the depths of depression soon after. I never made plans for the future because I didn't think I'd live to see it

    I'm now 25 and making long term plans with my long distance partner for when they finish university and can move in with me in a few years. It'll be a hard fee years, but I actually think I'll still be around and if I try my best to be a good partner then I think we will still be together, since they've been with me 3 and a half years so far and seen me at my worst but still stuck around and tried to help, while being honest about their own needs

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