Worth living?

 What am I supposed to do now? Is my whole life going to be this way? Is a life like this worth living at all? Oh if only I had the courage to quit. If only I wasn't such a coward. I've always had a strange feeling like no matter what I do, I am bound to end my life myself one day.

How am I supposed to live when I don't have the energy or the will to do so? It is impossible to go through the days like this. How am I going to make it through? I just need some rest. As if I haven't had enough rest already. How ridiculous.


Is this me? I never would have though I would end up like this.

Is there something on the other end worth living for, though? From my observations, it doesn't seem like it. What could there be, objectively speaking, in my life that would be worth going through all this trouble?

I'm not worth any good that may come. How stupid of someone to even think they love me. I am terrible. I've let everybody down. I have fooled everyone around me into thinking I'm a decent person but I'm really not. I'm not smart, I know for a fact I'm not beautiful. What is there for anyone to even like, let alone love. I have even tricked everyone into thinking I'm so sick all the time. The truth is I'm just acting like a child. I am not sick I just like it when others think I am, so I can have their attention and pity and comfort. I am trash.

Am I being ridiculous again? Is this all true? But I am taking medication, doesn't that prove I'm really sick? I probably tricked the psychiatrist too. I probably don't even need the pills at all. But I try not to tell anyone when I'm feeling down. Doesn't that prove I'm not doing it for attention? I'm very confused. Well, it doesn't matter. I make everyone concerned in a way or another and that is what I'm after. I put up all this play for attention.

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