Deep Rest

It really makes you question your relationship with other people... how dark thoughts can go through your mind nonstop for hours and days and even weeks and no one will ever know a thing. They can look you in the eyes, have a usual conversation and ask you how you are doing, but they will never know a thing about how you would give anything just to gain the courage to die, simply because you will never let them. Why would I tell anyone all these thoughts? I do not want nor deserve anybody's help or attention. I do not want anyone to know and it impresses me how no one ever will, afterall. Everything is questionable, you can be sure of nothing, you can count on no one.

I feel as if the pills make me see the world in a haze. As if they put a veil over reality, giving me a fake sense of it being somewhat bearable at times. They prevent me from seeing clearly what a horrible world I live in, putting chains on my real thoughts not allowing them to show me what I really want to do. They deceive me into thinking I want to make progress, when what I truly want to do is stop existing at all. Only when I forget to take them or when I run out of the drugs, and being the weekend, the drug stores are closed, like this time, well, only then do I start seeing that they make me a different, fake person with different, fake thoughts and hopes. I am not me under their influece. If I were, then maybe I would have gained the courage till now to finally set me free once and for all from this unbearable life I otherwise have to live.

  My life is passing by and I'm stuck in all this mess. I'll never be 17 again, or 18 or 20. Haven't I wasted enough time? I have to make a decision already. Is any of my efforts to get better having any results or should I do everyone a favor and end this torture once and for all? It won't be that bad for my family as the time passes... I often think of a boy who I heard commited suicide around the time I was at my worst three years ago. Of course, me being a coward and stupid, I didn't even have a plan to start with on how to do such a thing. Isn't that boy at peace now? Isn't he doing so much better? What could he possibly be missing out on that would have been worth existing still?

  What am I supposed to do now? Is my whole life going to be this way? Is a life like this worth living at all? Oh if only I had the courage to quit. If only I wasn't such a coward. I've always had a strange feeling like no matter what I do, I am bound to end my life myself one day. How am I supposed to live when I don't have the energy or the will to do so? It is impossible to go through the days like this. How am I going to make it through? I just need some rest. As if I haven't had enough rest already. How ridiculous. Is this me? I never would have though I would end up like this. Is there something on the other end worth living for, though? From my observations, it doesn't seem like it. What could there be, objectively speaking, in my life that would be worth going through all this trouble? I'm not worth any good that may come. How stupid of someone to even think they love me. I am terrible. I've let everybody down. I have fooled everyone ar...

  Life feels like an uncomfortable necessity before sleep. Sleep, on the other hand... feels like an escape. Nothing better that taking a nap and not having to do, think or worry about anything. Like a perfect excuse from living. Oh how I loved it when before surgery they put me on anesthetics. I really fear I could become addicted to them if I had free access. How wonderful to not even feel the time pass.

"The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality".   I may seem to be doing good, but... vital? That is still such a foreign concept. How sad it makes me to realise that all this effort, all these years... not once do I remember feeling vital. I find if so hard to be inerested in anything. All I do is nothing more than what I'm required and have to do, like school, only because I'm afraid of failure. Am I really getting better? I sure hope so, but god knows I do not believe I am. It feels more as if I'm being distracted from my bitter sorrow. "Bitter sorrow about what?", you say? I wish I knew. Is it just my pessimism making me think this way? How can I tell? Does it even matter though? Is it worth trying to convince me otherwise when my brain is sure its wαy of thinking is absolutely not wrong? I tend to overthink, and all these unanswered questions entertain my thoughts at night till my eyelids are too heavy to lift anymore. I k...