Deep Rest

Have you ever felt losing the ground beneath your feet? Have you ever seen your whole world turning upside down out of nowhere, without any warning? Have you ever felt so small and so powerless before an inevitable event that all you can do is stand still watching all that you considered a given in your reality shatter in an unfixable way? Have you ever felt that there was nothing on earth, not even a small corner, not even a loved one's hug, that could keep you safe from the world, as you know it, breaking down forever? How disgusting the apathy of those who haven't.  Wed 22/09/21 22:43

Despite me doing my best, which probably is not enough, I see no improvements in any aspect of my life. I've been studying for my whole life and I still do not believe. Why? What can I do? I feel like I am already doing the best I can. Why is it not enough?

Ever been surrounded by people that should love you, but you suddenly realise they don't? How painful it is to see people you loved and thought they loved you too, be completely indifferent to your feelings.

I need to make a decision on when and how I am going to die. I need to get ready and try to prepare my family. Will I ever be ready or will I continue being a coward? How will my mother cope with my loss? I am afraid she will blame it on herself and that is the last thing I want. I just don't want anyone to remember my existance. I want everyone to feel the peace I am going to feel when I will be no more. I want everyone to forget me and erase me from their lives like they would do a big mistake. I need to find the strength and the courage to go.

I cannot help her. I want to help her so much, but I can't. I cannot watch her go through this all on her own and I hate that I can't do anything to take her pain away. I am useless. At the same time I feel so betrayed and I am so angry at her for all those lies, all these years. She says I don't understand her. I really believe what she did was wrong, whatever her reasons. Am I wrong for thinking that?

  Am I wrong in everything? Is everything I feel wrong, an overreaction and overdramatic? But our relationship was full of lies for 4 whole years. Am I wrong to not have any respect for him? Am I wrong to feel hurt and back stabbed? Is my reality and the way I see things unfair? If it is, then I don't want to live this life. I don't want a life with such false conclusions and such a wrong viewpoint on reality. Am I really so selfish? So mean? I feel like these words she said behind my back will echo in my head and will be engraved in my heart till the day I die. They might as well write them on my tombstone, because it is probably the truth. I am probably the worst, maddest person on earth and I hurt everyone around me with the stupid way I see things. When will I let go of this life already? The sooner the better. Then I won't have to face all these confrontations with people I feel, wrongly according to them and they may be right, that have stabbed me in the back. Am I re...

  What is this "love" everyone keeps talking about and everyone keeps chasing? Firstly, if it indeed is such a big deal, I don't think I deserve it. Secondly, to be honest, I don't think I want it either. Why would I want to feel so happy, so secure, so understood and then all of a sudden so alone? Love always comes with an expiration date. It is up to you if you will keep the person you once loved close or not, when the feeling finaly ends. I've also heard that "love is a choice". If that's the case I believe it is a very hard choice too. I'd rather make my life less complicated and easier by loving no one and, consequently, being loved by no one. Loving may be great, but the dissapointment in the end is even greater. That is what I'm so desperatly afraid of afterall. I don't think I can endure being let down.

I will never be loved by someone who chooses to do so. I guess my family loves me, but that's just because they have to, or maybe because they have invested so much of their time and money to raise me, so they can't do otherwise. My brothers and sisters love me, but that is because God tells them to do so, not because they choose to. I wonder what it's like for someone to love you because they like you most, of all the people they know. That must feel good. In time, I really have to put down all the fantasies that someone will ever choose to love me, ever. Or that I could ever be someone's favourite or most important person. I genuinely do not believe that will ever happen and that hurts. I'm always going to be alone and I have to get in terms with that. I'm not pretty enough for anyone and I'm fat. I'm never going to be a priority and I have to get used to that. It's never going to get better.

I wish someone understood what I mean when I say "I'm tired". "I'm tired" means I want to give up, and the only way one can do that is by dieing. "I'm tired" means I cannot and do not want to keep on living this life. "I'm tired" means I'm thinking of suicide again. "I'm tired" means I can't carry on and I feel like this is where I am just meant to stop. "I'm tired " means I can't stand gravity pulling me down anymore. When I say "I'm tired" I am really just informing you I'm wishing I could just stop existing again. But of course how can you say these words out loud? So I just hide them behind an "I'm tired" and I hope someone understands. No one ever does, but of course how could anyone do? All of this is pathetic. No one must know.

I am afraid of the tricks my mind plays. Especially in the dark, especially when I'm alone. Why do I feel so empty? So unmotivated to do anything. As if I have to drag my body to do the simplest tasks. Is this normal? What if everyone feels this way and I'm just the only one who is complaining?  What if I'm exaggerating? And what if I feel this way forever? How can I be so disgusting and lazy?