Deep Rest

Have you ever felt losing the ground beneath your feet? Have you ever seen your whole world turning upside down out of nowhere, without any warning? Have you ever felt so small and so powerless before an inevitable event that all you can do is stand still watching all that you considered a given in your reality shatter in an unfixable way? Have you ever felt that there was nothing on earth, not even a small corner, not even a loved one's hug, that could keep you safe from the world, as you know it, breaking down forever? How disgusting the apathy of those who haven't.  Wed 22/09/21 22:43

Despite me doing my best, which probably is not enough, I see no improvements in any aspect of my life. I've been studying for my whole life and I still do not believe. Why? What can I do? I feel like I am already doing the best I can. Why is it not enough?

Ever been surrounded by people that should love you, but you suddenly realise they don't? How painful it is to see people you loved and thought they loved you too, be completely indifferent to your feelings.

I need to make a decision on when and how I am going to die. I need to get ready and try to prepare my family. Will I ever be ready or will I continue being a coward? How will my mother cope with my loss? I am afraid she will blame it on herself and that is the last thing I want. I just don't want anyone to remember my existance. I want everyone to feel the peace I am going to feel when I will be no more. I want everyone to forget me and erase me from their lives like they would do a big mistake. I need to find the strength and the courage to go.

I cannot help her. I want to help her so much, but I can't. I cannot watch her go through this all on her own and I hate that I can't do anything to take her pain away. I am useless. At the same time I feel so betrayed and I am so angry at her for all those lies, all these years. She says I don't understand her. I really believe what she did was wrong, whatever her reasons. Am I wrong for thinking that?